Chapter 3: Convenient Memories and a New Reality
Waking up felt absolutely terrible.
In all my life, I've never had such a sickening, unpleasant awakening.
I check my phone—yep, it wasn't a dream.
Yesterday, I was mocked by Satsuki, who I'd been dating for so long, as she broke up with me, and my best friend had to help me out.
I head from my room on the second floor down to the kitchen on the first floor.
Mother: "Kousuke! You look pale! Stay home from school today!"
Sho, my best friend, must have said something to her. I'm grateful, though.
I don't have the energy to explain anything right now.
Stay in your room and rest! I'll bring food up to you!
As I lie down on the bed in my room, Mom brings me some food.
...Isn't this a bit much for breakfast?
And it's all my favorite stuff, too.
Sigh, I can't help but let out a breath.
Even Dad is clearly worried, asking how I'm feeling.
I've made my family worry about me.
I spend the whole morning lounging around in my room, wallowing in my thoughts.
I leave the house while Mom is out at her part-time job.
It's just past noon on a Tuesday, and there's no one around.
I start walking, trying not to look at the middle school in front of my house.
I don't have a destination in mind.
Walking wherever my mood takes me, I end up at the elementary school.
If I keep going, I'll reach the west area.
That's where Satsuki's house is, and the riverside park we sometimes walked through together.
...I don't want to go to the west area...
It doesn't look great for a high schooler to be wandering around in the middle of the day, but I feel like walking.
I walk along the perimeter of the elementary school.
I can picture myself as a kid, along with Sho and another close friend, running around together.
There's a kindergarten next to the elementary school.
I walk down the path between the elementary school and the kindergarten, heading toward the candy store before going home.
Even while walking, all I can think about is Satsuki's face, face, face.
As I space out,
"Kousuke-kun! Kousuke-kuuun!"
It's Hikaru-kun, Sho's much younger brother. Nicknamed Hii-chan!
I chat with him a bit through the kindergarten fence.
"Hii-chan! You started kindergarten, right?"
"Yup! I'm in the Tulip class!"
He was just a baby not long ago...
I've always doted on Sho's little sister and brother, giving them snacks whenever I see them, so they're both attached to me. They're adorable.
I say bye to Hii-chan and head home at a leisurely pace.
At the intersection in the evening, I see a vision of Satsuki's back as she walks away.
At the busy evening intersection, I stand frozen as people pass by.
After such a decisive breakup, there's no way to fix things...
I thought to myself, this is what Satsuki wanted!
Even if I threw my true feelings, my real emotions at her, I know it wouldn't change anything.
I have to move on from these memories.
I understand that in my head.
It's painful, but I have to carry these beautiful memories with me and keep moving forward.
I understand that in my head.
I loved you so much that all we ever did was kiss.
Did I treasure you too much, maybe?
Standing at this intersection forever won't do any good.
I head home.
As I get closer to home, naturally, the middle school next door comes into view.
"...Tch."
Passing by the middle school, a sound like a stifled scream escapes my lips.
Hot tears well up for no reason.
Memories play back like a beautiful album I made myself, filled with fun times.
I remember this happening, us fighting over that, panicking back then.
The memories are beautiful, sweet, and precious.
Every time I recall them, my chest aches with a sharp pain. It hurts.
I once told my best friend,
"The view from my room's window is right on the middle school. If I have lots of good memories, I'll feel happy every time I open the window, but if I have painful ones, I won't even want to open it."
I meant it as a way to say, let's make middle school life fun and full of good memories, but... it turned out to be true.
I don't want the younger students to see me like this.
I escape back to my room.
It's my fault.
It's Satsuki's fault.
I hate the guy who stole her from me.
These three thoughts clash and mix together, creating a mess of colors in my mind.
Because I messed up, Satsuki was taken from me.
That guy who stole her is the bad one, and Satsuki was deceived.
Satsuki changed, and that's why she was taken.
These thoughts spin around and around, but I can't reach a conclusion.
Before I know it, it's night.
If my family sees me like this, they'll worry.
I force myself to look normal, eat dinner, and go to bed early.
All I can think about are awful things. I wake up from a tough dream.
After spending an even longer night than yesterday, when it all happened, I head to high school.
It's about a 20-minute trip from the nearest station.
When Satsuki and I first started high school, we'd meet at the station and go together.
By May, she'd come up with all sorts of excuses, and we stopped going together.
Even so, I can still see a vision of us from the good old days, laughing together.
Mornings when we laughed waiting for the train, heading out on a date but standing a bit apart so no one would notice, only to end up closer and closer. The first day we held hands on the way to school.
The memories are sweet, gentle. And cruel.
But, of all times, Satsuki is right there on the platform.
Back when I wanted so badly to go to school together, I never ran into her like this.
And yet, on the very day I don't want to see her face, there she is...
I freeze, unable to move on the spot.
Satsuki turns her head, and our eyes meet.