I know that I should feel happy when someone worries about me or cares for me.
I’ve hardly ever experienced such situations, but I’ve often seen them around me.
Ah, of course, by “around me”, I mean physical proximity, not emotional closeness.
Even though I was treated as if I didn’t exist at school, I wasn’t truly invisible.
There were students next to me, in front of me, and behind me.
And like the “invisible person” I was, the kids would talk among themselves right beside me, without needing to distance themselves.
They would worry for each other, congratulate each other.
Laugh together, cry together.
I knew all those emotions weren’t genuine.
The place I was in was Hwayoung Middle School, a place where people’s status was determined by money.
Unless they were in a special situation like mine, kids would undoubtedly differentiate and tear each other apart based on wealth.
But even though I knew their behavior wasn’t sincere,
I was envious.
The only relationship I had was with my stepmother, and I wasn’t even sure if that was real or fake.
It didn’t seem like those kids had any intention of offering me such a relationship either.
Yes, I was envious.
I was envious.
But strangely, the emotion I felt when I first faced such feelings wasn’t joy, but confusion.
“……”
Even after hearing Yoo Ha-neul’s entire story, I couldn’t say anything for a while.
Honestly, I didn’t know what to say.
Thanking her for telling me such a story felt odd because I had only known her for a week.
I could have expressed it in words, but it didn’t feel entirely sincere.
I was thankful and happy… but it felt like a story too distant from me to fully grasp.
“Did that person leave any words for me?”
Not knowing how to refer to the person who had taken over my body during the three months I had lost my memory, I asked like that.
Though I said “me”, that person wasn’t truly me in my eyes.
I didn’t feel like it was me.
Hearing my question, Yoo Ha-neul hesitated for a moment before revealing it with a troubled expression.
“She asked if, when ‘you’ returned, and if she couldn’t meet you anymore, could you continue being friends as you had been…”
I see.
That’s what it was.
Even hearing that, I still didn’t know what to say.
I suppose it’s more accurate to say I didn’t understand.
I was someone who had given up everything and thrown away my life.
And I threw away my life in a desperate attempt to gain even a shred of my stepmother’s attention.
Because of that, I couldn’t understand what it meant to throw away one’s life for the sake of someone else.
A person who spent their life doubting everything around them could never understand someone who chose death for another.
I would never have made such a choice.
……They used all their strength to sort out their situation.
They somehow persuaded the teachers and students who had ignored me and created a school where I could live normally.
They made a friend who liked me very much, and turned indifferent servants to their side.
They grasped the exact state of their assets, calculated what they could do with them, and made plans for the future.
They laid the groundwork to prevent my stepmother from harming me again.
And then they gave it all up.
All of it, for me.
It was as if they had prepared everything for me from the very beginning.
Ah, no.
My thoughts were going in circles again.
“……I…”
As I remained silent for a long time, deep in thought, Yoo Ha-neul, standing next to me, opened her mouth.
“So, I decided to do as she asked.”
“……”
She had asked me to stay friends with the other person inhabiting my body, even if she was gone.
Maybe you could call it a final request.
She had asked for that favor.
This child must have liked that person very much.
To the point where she saw me, in the same body, as someone entirely different from that person.
“But, it didn’t work.”
Hearing her sigh, I could only think, “I see”.
I didn’t know how this girl had come to like that person.
I didn’t know how they had become so close, how in less than a month, they had come to understand each other so well.
The last time I had made a real friend was a faint memory from early childhood, so I couldn’t recall those emotions clearly.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry…”
With those words, Yoo Ha-neul broke down.
“I tried to hold back. I tried to think of you as the same person…”
But it must have been impossible.
I was clearly a different being from that person.
Even though we shared the same body, our way of thinking was entirely different.
“But… I’m sorry.”
Kneeling on the hard floor, her tears falling, she truly looked sorry.
She didn’t have to apologize so much.
“……”
I don’t know what to do in this situation.
If it had been the faint memory of who I used to be, I probably wouldn’t have just stood there staring like this.
Suddenly, I became curious about who that person was.
*
“Is something wrong?”
Over the past week of living like other people, I realized something.
Most people notice others’ emotions far more easily than I do.
I, who had spent years doubting everyone around me, didn’t know how to detect a person’s true nature.
My past, where I believed everyone around me had malicious intent, hadn’t changed easily.
Even now, while receiving so much attention, part of my mind still doubts these kids.
The two girls who confidently share my room with me.
……Over the past week, I don’t think they were completely oblivious to my change.
Though they didn’t see me as “another person” like Yoo Ha-neul, it would be more natural to think that they sensed something.
Without responding, I got up from my bed.
I walked over to the desk I usually use.
After regaining my memories, I hadn’t opened the bottom drawer of my desk.
Was the will I had written still there?
My stepmother hadn’t acted any differently after seeing me.
Was it because she hadn’t felt anything after reading my will?
Or did she think it was no big deal when she saw I was still alive?
The three kids always hanging around me must know about the contents of that will.
Even if I took it out now, they probably wouldn’t be too surprised.
Opening the third drawer, I saw the letter I had written.
A plain, undecorated white letter, neatly folded, lying on top of the notebook I used.
There was no envelope.
And the bottle of pills was gone.
There should have been half of them left.
……As expected.
When I stood up and turned around, I saw two girls watching me with worried expressions.
“What’s wrong?”
Shin So-hee asked me again.
“It’s nothing, just something I wanted to check.”
I sat back down on the bed.
And I tried to act as usual.
*
I couldn’t sleep.
What had I been thinking over the past week?
Did I think of the me who had lost my memory as “myself”?
Maybe I had thought so, at least a little.
I thought maybe losing my memory was just a result of some shock, and for the past three months after failing to take my own life, I had been doing my best in my own way.
But no.
No matter how much I thought about it, I wasn’t the kind of person who would have done such things.
Even when I saw those four shining faces, I wouldn’t have thought of changing anything.
No, maybe I would have tried.
……Though I can’t be sure I would have been able to change only what was necessary so precisely.
“……”
Yes, over the past week, I was happier than ever.
It was probably the most amazing week of my life.
But.
Is this my life?
Can I really call this life, built by someone else, my own?
I’m not trying to talk about something complicated like self-identity or autonomy.
Simply, can I freely enjoy this life?
Even though she made that final choice,
In the end, this is a life different from the one I had ended.
I can’t say I have no regrets, but I also don’t want to continue the life I left behind.
Those two girls who know nothing, and the person who misses someone other than me.
I can’t just claim all of this as mine.
Maybe I could have claimed it.
If that day, I hadn’t taken the pills and laid down.
If I hadn’t given up on my life and thought there might still be another possibility.
If I had thought about changing others and resolved to make new connections.
If I had trusted even one person around me.
Maybe my life would have been different.
Maybe I could have freed myself from my stepmother’s hold and found a way out.
Maybe I could have made new friends and stopped thinking about an unhappy future.
But I didn’t.
And that choice cannot be undone.
Yes, this is someone else’s life, not mine.
Someone else’s life.
*
“……I’ve been thinking.”
The next day, I skipped class again.
The teacher no longer ignored me.
Of course, it would affect my grades.
But what can I do?
I wouldn’t have been able to answer the questions properly anyway.
So, I boldly skipped class again.
I felt a little sorry for Shin So-hee, whom I had left standing guard at the rooftop entrance.
And I felt even more sorry for Yoo Ha-neul, who had been given some time with me because So-hee had said, “I’m with her every day anyway.”
Now, I think I can start trusting these three people.
Well, even if I don’t trust them, what choice do I have?
That person trusted them.
That’s what I thought.
I haven’t regained those memories yet, but I have a vague feeling.
Whenever I see these three, I feel like I want to trust them.
That’s probably a fragment of her feelings.
“I want to meet that person too.”
Yes, I became curious.
The person who lived my life for me.
The person who, in such a short time, completely changed my life.
I wanted to meet her.