When the two returned to school by car, Lin Nan's emotions seemed to have stabilized.
Though his face showed little expression, at least he no longer looked deeply troubled—only his eyes were still slightly red.
Chen Yao was still somewhat worried about him. When they passed the cafeteria, he suggested: "Want to go to the cafeteria for dinner?"
"I'm not eating. Not hungry."
"You'll hurt your stomach if you don't eat."
Lin Nan ignored his reminder and quickened his pace past the cafeteria.
Chen Yao was helpless and followed closely behind him.
Although Lin Nan's mood seemed to have improved, he still didn't dare say much, afraid of accidentally touching Lin Nan's currently sensitive heart. So he could only follow Lin Nan silently.
Soon, they reached the dormitory.
Lin Nan pushed open the dorm door. Tu Junhui inside glanced at the two of them and teased as usual: "Yo! Our beautiful Nan Nan is back! How did meeting the parents go? How much was the bride price and dowry?"
But right after he finished speaking, he saw that Lin Nan didn't retort as he usually would. Instead, he casually tossed his luggage into a corner, then began taking off his shoes to get into bed. Chen Yao, who followed right behind, looked up and glared at Tu Junhui.
"What's wrong with him?"
Tu Junhui looked confused, turning back to look at Lin Nan, who had quickly gotten into bed after taking off his shoes and covered his head with the blanket. This sequence of actions looked very familiar—this was exactly what happened last time when he accidentally angered Lin Nan on his birthday.
"Did you upset him?"
"None of your damn business." Chen Yao plopped down in his seat and looked up at Lin Nan hiding under the covers.
This guy Lin Nan always liked to lick his wounds alone, but rarely knew what it meant to open his heart. Wouldn't it be good to complain to him as a friend, to use him as a trash can to dump emotions? But no, he preferred to shut himself off whenever something happened.
He gave Tu Junhui, who always liked to talk too much, a warning look. Tu Junhui, who was about to go up and ask about the situation, immediately backed off sheepishly and looked at him questioningly.
Chen Yao ignored him and bent down to organize his suitcase.
On the bed, Lin Nan curled up under the blanket. Earlier, when he was outside, he didn't dare cry, but now that he was back on his bed alone, his nose began to sting.
He didn't know how he had encountered Lilith or why he had become like this. Although his family had never been perfect—without parental companionship, unable to feel familial love—at least his parents had been working hard to give him a good future. But now, everything seems ruined.
He would also become a woman. Although under Lilith's influence, his personality and body were indeed becoming increasingly feminine, and he had gradually given up resistance, he still couldn't accept the fact that he would become a woman.
Even though he seemed to be starting to like women's clothing and was getting more and more used to a feminine body, he really didn't want to become completely female.
Hiding stuffily under the blanket, his phone vibrated again.
His mother had called him over ten times that day, but he hadn't answered once. He thought it was another call, but the phone only vibrated twice before going quiet.
With some curiosity, he picked up his phone. Before unlocking it, he saw a text message from his mother on the screen.
"Nan Nan, I'm really sorry. Since you were little, I left you at your grandfather's house, and when you grew up, I left you in a rental apartment. You had to live independently starting in middle school. Mom knows it's been very hard for you. Mom didn't want it to be this way either. I know I owe you too much, but there was no choice—we had to support the family, buy you a house, and your father had to help your uncles too.
Nan Nan, I know you've always been very sensible and never complained to Mom about anything, but you're an adult now. When you encounter this kind of situation, you should learn to think about your future and life, not try to escape, right? I don't have much education and don't know how to persuade you, but your health is a lifelong matter—it's not a bargaining chip for throwing tantrums.
Nan Nan, Mom loves you very much."
Reading to the end, the tears he had held back for so long finally fell uncontrollably. Lin Nan sobbed quietly, his heart aching as if it were being stirred with a knife.
His nose was sore, his throat dry and painful, tears blurred his vision, and snot smeared all over his face.
I don't want to become like this either... If you want me to have surgery, then I'll do it.
But wait a little longer. I want to be a man for a while longer. Give me some time...
Lin Nan tried to type a reply, but his hands were shaking violently. In the end, he could only respond with "Okay," and then his phone slipped and fell on the bed.
He buried his head in the pillow and cried suppressed tears of pain.
"Nan Nan, we're going out to play basketball!" Tu Junhui suddenly shouted loudly. "Chen Yao, Xiong Da, didn't we agree to play ball earlier!"
"Huh?" Xiong Da, who was playing mobile games, looked up in confusion. Before he could ask anything, Chen Yao, who had already caught on, dragged him out the door.
The dormitory became even quieter. With no one else present, Lin Nan finally couldn't suppress his crying. From low sobs, it gradually became weeping.
He pounded the bed frame with his fists, making loud banging sounds. His fists hurt and became red and swollen, but the pain couldn't mask the severe pain in his heart.
He cried until he couldn't see anything clearly, cried until he started hiccupping, cried until he was lying by the bedside dry-heaving, but he couldn't stop. He could only hate his own weakness and avoidance, only blame himself for not being someone with a strong heart.
If only I could be heartless.
They barely raised me except for giving money, so why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be an ungrateful person? Why did my emotions suddenly collapse when he said those words?
Lin Nan really wanted to go back to his chuunibyou middle school days. Back then, he wouldn't think so much—he would just charge toward whatever direction he decided on, not caring if he crashed and bled.
After crying to the end, he finally couldn't make a sound. His throat was dry and painful, his chest heaving greatly. He wiped his tears and climbed down from bed with his weak body, finally dry-heaving up some fish balls from lunch that hadn't been digested yet.
But before he could recover for a moment, continuous dry-heaving couldn't produce anything else—only some viscous liquid, as if he were about to vomit out his internal organs too.
Lin Nan sat powerlessly on the floor, using the tissues Chen Yao had given him from his pocket to wipe the floor. After crying hard, his spirit became listless again.
"Want to drink some alcohol, want to smoke..." he muttered, looking up at Tu Junhui's bookshelf, but those two bottles of alcohol had long been finished.
He supported himself on the ladder to get up, tears still falling non-stop. His eyes were sore, swollen, and blurry so he couldn't see the path clearly. Then he bumped head-first into the unopened back door of the dormitory.
He leaned against the door like this. After a moment, he suddenly started punching and kicking the door like a madman, as if Lilith were standing right in front of him.
"Damn!"
Finally finished venting, Lin Nan wiped his face again and wearily returned to bed. Not long after, he fell asleep with tears still flowing.