Chapter 194
“Thank you for waiting. The recipient of this year’s grand prize is,”
What is this?
“An artist loved not just by a generation, but by an entire era. The artist who shone brightly this year as well-”
Where am I right now?
“Baek Nokha!”
Before I could even gather my thoughts, people around me started clapping and hugging me.
I was being pushed forward.
I had no idea what was happening.
I was just unconsciously walking up to the stage.
“Oh, it seems our Nokha really didn’t expect this. She looks very surprised!”
“If I were Nokha, I would have thought this result was obvious. She’s always so humble.”
“Just like they say, the ripest grain bows its head. Even though she’s a top star, she’s so modest. Wow, this really makes you reflect.”
“Me too.”
The MCs were praising me.
No, it’s not humility.
What the….
I was definitely at the <Platinum Music Awards> just a moment ago.
Why am I suddenly here?
And at the moment Baek Nokha is receiving the grand prize?
“Congratulations, Nokha.”
Cha Yul!
Cha Yul handed me the award with a big smile.
Right.
At this time, the presenter was… Cha Yul.
My memory started to come back bit by bit.
“Our Nokha, congratulations. Why are you so surprised? Of course, the grand prize is yours!”
Cha Yul whispered in my ear.
Strangely, her voice brought me back to my senses.
Cha Yul wasn’t calling me ‘Cheong.’
She called me ‘our Nokha.’
I am… Baek Nokha.
Right now, I’m not Yoon Cheong, I’m Baek Nokha.
Get a grip, Baek Nokha.
You can’t mess up the moment you’re receiving the grand prize.
“First, I want to thank all the people who have helped me get to this point.”
As always, I showed a big smile, full of joy.
However, people were looking at me with emotional expressions.
Why? I wondered.
At that moment, I felt a warm sensation on my cheek.
Oh.
Could it be that I’m….
Crying right now?
“Nokha! Well done, my girl. You’re amazing, my girl. Ah, I want to give you a kiss, but I’m holding back because I don’t want to ruin your makeup.”
As soon as the awards ceremony ended, Baek Juha ran up to me.
“Wow, three years in a row. Do you know how precious this award is? I need to touch it.”
“Juha unnie.”
“Huh? Oh, should I not touch it?”
Baek Juha saw my expression and looked flustered.
“Mom… Is our mom okay?”
“Your mother?”
Baek Juha looked at me with a puzzled face.
“Yes, mom… She’s watching the awards at home, right? Why? Is there something you’re worried about?”
The moment I heard those words, my legs gave out.
I did it.
I… I did it.
It wasn’t all a dream.
“…No, it’s just.”
“Is something wrong? You just won the grand prize, but you look…”
“No, no. It’s just… I’m really stunned.”
“Is this your first time winning a grand prize? You’re really something. If humility were an illness, you’d be terminal.”
Baek Juha shook her head.
“Let’s go home quickly. Unnie, I really want to see mom…”
“What?”
Only then did Baek Juha seem to sense that something was off.
But she didn’t ask further.
She just nodded.
When I got home.
Snow was falling heavily all over the apartment complex.
It was an insanely heavy snowstorm.
Strange.
Did it snow this much that day?
I walked through the snow that covered the whole world and entered the house.
“Mom.”
“Nokha?”
Mom was there.
“Mom…”
She was really there, just as I knew her.
“Why are you like this? You won the grand prize. What’s making you so sad?”
“Mom. You foolish mom…”
I hugged her and cried my heart out.
“Why didn’t you turn off the gas…?”
“What?”
“Why didn’t you turn off the gas when you went to bed…?”
“How did you know? Do you have CCTV in our house? You’re such a funny girl. Anyway, I snapped out of it right away. I left the window open and snow came in, so I woke up. Actually, if it wasn’t for the snow, it could have been really bad.”
I could hear the confusion in her voice, but…
I just cried as much as I wanted.
Mom didn’t know anything.
She didn’t know anything about my year.
But Mom.
Even though she knew nothing.
She patted my back the entire time I cried.
That made me cry even harder.
Crying as much as the snow falling outside.
Tears fell just as heavily.
“Eh?”
In my personal studio.
Baek Juha looked at me, tilting her head in confusion.
“You want me to look into these people?”
Baek Juha scanned the names on the paper I handed her.
“Seo Baek-young. Ryu Bo-ra. Kim Geum. Yeon Juhong… Yeon Juhong? Kim Geum?!”
Baek Juha looked at me as if she didn’t understand.
“You know these two, right? They’re famous.”
“Well, I know a bit about their recent activities, but I don’t have any personal connection with them.”
“Then why didn’t you get their numbers at the awards ceremony? Why are you investigating them personally?”
“…Just. Please, unnie.”
Baek Juha looked me up and down, clearly finding it strange.
“Seo Baek-young, Ryu Bo-ra… Those names sound familiar. Ryu Bo-ra… Where have I heard that name… Wait.”
Baek Juha suddenly lifted her head.
“Hey, you. Are you asking me to investigate the nation’s little sister, Ryu Bo-ra?!”
“There are plenty of nation’s little sisters nowadays. Besides, Ryu Bo-ra isn’t active anymore.”
“That’s true, but… Who is Seo Baek-young?”
“Unnie, you might remember. She debuted with Colors as Steel Blue.”
There was a girl group that failed within a year.
She was one of them.
“Oh. I remember. I watched that program. She was a good kid. She just met the wrong team members.”
“Right?”
“Wasn’t it Kim Ryeo-yu… She and Jo Hee-on totally messed things up.”
Yeah, they did.
I smirked.
“Do you remember someone named Yoon Cheong?”
“Yoon Cheong? Who was that… Oh, the main vocalist?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, right. I remember. She sang well. Didn’t have much charm, though.”
“Right.”
“I felt sorry for her. The ones who deserved criticism didn’t get it, and she got it all.”
I laughed bitterly.
So, this is how people remember Steel Blue.
“I wonder what she’s doing these days. I hope she’s doing well.”
“…Yeah.”
But that’s not the truth at all.
I hadn’t asked her to look into Yoon Cheong.
No matter how she was living.
The moment I heard news about her, I felt like my heart would become uneasy.
“Alright, I’ll look into it all. But why all of a sudden…?”
“Just. I just…”
I hesitated, choosing my words carefully for a moment.
What should I say?
What is it that I really want?
Do I want to go back to that time?
Or…
“I want to get closer to them.”
Simply.
Do I just really want to see them?
“Hello~”
In the spacious practice room.
This was the practice room of the most popular dance studio these days.
After all the students had left.
I quietly visited this place.
Despite being a frequently used space, it was well-maintained and clean.
“What brings you-”
Seo Baek-young was there.
“Oh, uh… Baek Nokha?”
Seo Baek-young looked flustered the moment she saw me.
“You know who I am…”
“I don’t think there’s anyone in Korea who doesn’t know Baek Nokha… Haha.”
“Ah.”
Seo Baek-young laughed awkwardly.
I also felt awkward and couldn’t say anything.
Seeing Seo Baek-young who didn’t recognize me felt strange after such a long time.
Seo Baek-young looked at me with a puzzled expression and asked.
“But what brings you here…?”
Oh.
I needed to answer.
I had prepared something to say.
But my mouth wouldn’t open.
Seeing me stay silent, Seo Baek-young seemed flustered.
Then, as if she understood on her own, she lifted her head.
“Are you here to request choreography?”
“Oh, yes. That’s right.”
“You’re preparing for a new song again! I really enjoy listening to your songs, Baek Nokha. Especially this one. Ah, but that’s such an old song… Anyway, I enjoy all of them.”
That song was one you sang, too.
I forced a smile.
“Um, Baek-young… nim.”
I almost called her unnie but corrected myself.
“Yes?”
“Well…”
What have you been up to lately?
Don’t you miss the time when you were part of Steel Blue?
You gave up on being an idol, something you wanted so much.
Are you okay with that?
You were the one who wanted it the most among us.
You were the happiest being part of Steel Blue.
“I’d like to request choreography… for the concert version. Can you help?”
But I couldn’t voice the thoughts swirling in my mind.
I said something else instead.
Seo Baek-young looked at me with surprised eyes and then smiled.
The same smile I used to rely on.
“Of course. It’s my favorite song, after all. I’ll be happy to help.”
Jingle.
A soft bell rang.
“Welcome.”
The café door opened.
“Hello.”
The café was pristine white.
It resembled its owner, neat and simple.
In one corner of the café, a projector was playing a movie.
That’s…
Ryu Bo-ra’s favorite movie.
“May I take your order?”
I stood at the counter as if in a trance.
Ryu Bo-ra, with her characteristic indifferent expression, was looking at the POS machine.
She didn’t even glance at me, Ryu Bo-ra, who was truly…
Her appearance was still the same.
The dry voice, the indifferent gestures, and the delicate features, all unchanged.
Except for one thing.
Ryu Bo-ra not looking at me felt so…
“Customer?”
When I didn’t say anything, Ryu Bo-ra finally lifted her head to look at me.
It felt like my heart, which had sunk, started beating again.
You were always watching me.
Come to think of it, whenever I looked at Ryu Bo-ra…
She was always watching me first.
As if asking for help or waiting for me to ask for it.
“Do you have any types of ade?”
Ryu Bo-ra looked at me blankly.
It seemed like she recognized me, but maybe she didn’t.
“We have blueberry ade and green grape ade. Which one would you like?”
“…Green grape ade, please.”
“That will be 5,700 won.”
Her voice remained dry and indifferent.
I handed her my card and received the pager she gave me.
Even so, I couldn’t return to my seat.
There was nowhere in this café that felt like…
“Customer?”
…it was my place.
“I’d like it to-go, please.”
“…Alright.”
Ryu Bo-ra finally stared at me intently, as if she found something strange.
I couldn’t meet her gaze.
I took my ade and left, almost running away.
Meeting Yeon Juhong happened.
Quite some time after that.
Honestly, meeting Yeon Juhong was the hardest thing.
After seeking out Seo Baek-young and Ryu Bo-ra.
I stopped looking for the other members for a while.
Knowing who they were while they had no idea who I was.
And seeing my members living entirely different lives, following entirely different fates.
It was far more shocking than I had imagined.
Even though I had mentally prepared for it.
But.
This time, the meeting was unavoidable.
“Hello, sunbae-nim.”
“Hello, Juhong.”
It so happened that Yeon Juhong and I were both invited to Cha Yul’s radio show.
I wasn’t completely unfamiliar with Yeon Juhong.
We had often bumped into each other backstage at music shows.
Of course, we never had any real conversations.
…Why was that?
Yeon Juhong was a collector of older sisters.
She would always start conversations, even with strangers.
Why hadn’t she talked to me?
…Did she not like me?
I drank some water, feeling unnecessarily uneasy.
“…”
Cha Yul’s expression was odd.
What’s with her now?
I gave her a look, signaling her to leave.
“What’s wrong?”
An empty waiting room.
I handed Cha Yul a coffee and asked.
“Just… feeling a bit uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable? With me?”
“Do you think it’s you? Of course, it’s the other person.”
The only guests today were Yeon Juhong and me.
“Uncomfortable with Yeon Juhong? Why?”
Cha Yul looked at me with a puzzled expression.
“Are you really this clueless about showbiz rumors… even more than I am?”
“Because I’m not interested.”
“Yeon Juhong is a nutcase.”
“A nut… case?”
Who?
Yeon Juhong?
I was flabbergasted by the two words that didn’t match at all.
“She’s completely hypersensitive. I’m quite sensitive myself, but she’s just… She acts like she has a severe case of misanthropy.”
…That Yeon Juhong?
The one who would follow anyone if they gave her candy?
“Yeon… Juhong? Why?”
“You didn’t know? She’s famous for having issues with her agency. She escaped from Colors and ended up at Midbless…”
Midbless.
The moment I heard that word, my heart sank.
But the Midbless of this world is…
“Anyway, she did get famous… but she’s a bit crazy. She’s a pro in front of the camera, but when it’s off, you can’t even talk to her.”
“I had no idea.”
“That’s because you only talk to people who approach you first.”
Cha Yul sighed.
“Anyway, she’s sensitive, so don’t talk to her carelessly.”
After hearing that, how could I not talk to her?
As soon as I returned to the radio booth, I looked at Yeon Juhong.
“….”
Indeed.
She didn’t have the bright expression I knew.
Lifeless eyes.
An unmoving mouth…
It was a side of Yeon Juhong I had never known.
At that moment.
“Do you need something from me?”
Yeon Juhong noticed my gaze and looked at me.
“Ah… uh…”
I didn’t really have a reason.
I just… wanted to ask if she was okay, but I couldn’t say that.
“Would you like some candy?”
“What?”
“I have some candy.”
I took the candy out of my pocket.
I had bought Yeon Juhong’s favorite candy from the convenience store in front of the broadcasting station on a whim.
I didn’t expect to give it to her like this.
“Are you trying to make a fool out of me?”
“Pardon?”
“Are you treating me like a kid?”
Uh…
Because you are…
But she’s 27 now.
Hearing the word “fool” come out of Yeon Juhong’s mouth was unexpected.
Should I find this refreshing?
“No… Um, do you not like candy?”
“I’m managing my weight, so I don’t eat things like that. You should have it.”
The girl who always had candy in her mouth?
Come to think of it, she looked much more gaunt than the Yeon Juhong I knew.
How could she manage with that body…
I frowned.
“It’s about to start, Nokha.”
Cha Yul intervened at that moment.
And so.
My encounter with Yeon Juhong ended.
“Hello~”
I met Kim Geum not long after meeting Yeon Juhong.
After meeting Yeon Juhong, I was so shocked that it snapped me back to reality.
I realized it wasn’t the time to avoid things.
So, I asked Baek Juha to invite Kim Geum to our company.
I used the excuse of wanting to work on a song together.
“Wow. I’m honored to be invited by the grand prize-winning singer.”
“You were also a grand prize nominee, Geum.”
“Being a nominee and winning are different.”
Among the members, Kim Geum had changed the least.
She was still active as a solo rapper, and her personality and style of music hadn’t changed much.
Of course, without the need for filtering, the public opinion on the internet had become even more polarized…
“But don’t you think our styles are too different? Why did you suddenly summon me?”
“Well.”
“Are you planning to start rapping? Please don’t take away my job.”
“…I don’t have much talent for rap.”
“Oh. I don’t think so. You seem like you’d be good at it.”
I thought seeing someone who hadn’t changed much would put me at ease…
But it didn’t.
Not at all.
“Are you asking me to do a feature? Or do you want to get a song from me? My style doesn’t really match yours.”
“…Geum.”
“Yes?”
“How is it, working as a solo artist?”
Kim Geum looked at me as if I was speaking nonsense.
“Aren’t you a solo artist too? What kind of answer are you looking for?”
“I’m just curious about how it is for you.”
“Hmm.”
Though she still looked skeptical, Kim Geum began to ponder my question.
“I think it suits me well.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You live alone and die alone anyway. I don’t really like being with others.”
“…”
“But working together too? Hmm. I would’ve hated it.”
Kim Geum chuckled.
“Didn’t you… used to want to be an idol?”
“Oh, that?”
Kim Geum raised her eyebrows and shrugged.
“That’s a dark past. Me, as an idol? Don’t you think it would’ve been a terrible fit?”
No.
Kim Geum, who seemed unchanged, had changed.
She had changed a lot.
Everything.
So much that I could hardly accept it.