The Injury of the Three Heroes and Countermeasure Equipment
After that night, having drunk to my heart's content, I headed back to the inn.
Raina was worried about my journey back, but I assured her I wasn't drunk enough to throw up on the roadside. In fact, I'd be more concerned about Raina walking alone at night after escorting me back. I accepted her concern gracefully, returned to my room, and drifted off to sleep, reminiscing the taste of whiskey.
The next day's plan was clear. I decided to undertake a cleaning mission to tidy up the streets dirty from the festival.
The dining etiquette outside was nowhere near the chaos of Halloween in Shibuya. The streets were in such a state of lawlessness and filth that it was hard to imagine wanting to live in this city. At the very least, I needed to clean the path I frequently used.
However, upon arriving at the guild, I found, unusually, that Dickbald and the others were present.
Even Alectra, the deputy leader, looked exhausted from a hangover but had already arrived, fully equipped.
What on earth were the high-ranking members of the Sword of the Harvest all gathered here for?
Curious, I lightly inquired about the situation and soon realized it was far more serious than I had imagined.
「Three guild members were injured... wait, you're...」
「—They received healing from a healer, so there's no concern of any aftereffects. —I was careless... I should have guided them better...」
The day before, three male guild members had been injured. They belonged to different parties with no connections. Their only shared experience was likely drinking at the guild the previous night.
What had happened? We still didn't know.
However, all three men had reportedly inserted sword handles into their rear ends, which then became impossible to remove.
「—Fortunately, it was a shortsword. If it had been a longsword, a different kind of tragedy might have occurred...」
「... Captain, please spare me the dirty talk. My head already hurts... I don't need any more of this...」
To cutting to the chase:
This was it.
These men, in pursuit of unknown pleasures, had ended up sticking shortswords into themselves.
Of course, they denied doing any such thing intentionally.
「Oh? No, we were just drunk and messing around. By the time we realized it, we couldn't pull them out.」
That's the sort of statement they reportedly gave.
But three men rushing to the clinic with shortswords sticking out on the same day is no coincidence in my mind. Such mischievous acts didn't just randomly coincide like some hellish joke.
I genuinely felt sorry for the healer who had to attend to them that day. I hoped it wasn't Caspar in charge then.
I was truly grateful that in this world, we had healers and potions. Without them, those men might have died with shortswords stuck in them. In the world of the Three Kingdoms, they would likely have died of septic shock before getting an infection - a shameful death, leaving behind nothing but disgrace.
Thankfully, no one died from this drunken stupidity I had shared, or it wouldn't have been just displeasing, it would have been unbearable. Only ass. Gahaha... Not funny.
By the way, these three men who needed the clinic's help have been deemed as the "Three Heroes of Regor.」
Frankly, I couldn't care less.
「—We must prevent the emergence of a 'second' or 'third' set of 'Three Heroes'. People naturally seek pleasure... but without the proper knowledge, it can transform into excruciating pain or disaster. —To prevent such tragedies from repeating, I plan to spend some time warning against foreign body insertion.」
「Yeah... well, you're right... I'd feel terrible for them to end up injured...」
「—Mongrel is not at fault. People seek pleasure naturally. ... However, as those who forge the path, it is our duty to guide those who follow correctly. That is all.」
「Uh, please don't treat me like some trailblazer.」
「—Therefore, I decided to post this on the bulletin board. It is a notice about the precautions when inserting foreign objects. Alectra helped compile it, and we've just finished it.」
「Listen to me, Mongrel... the leader keeps trying to add unnecessary advice...」
「... Good luck with that.」
The small parchment poster highlighted the key points to consider when playing around with one's behind.
Insert objects that can be easily removed. Avoid anything that isn't smooth. Additionally, use diluted gelatin slime paste, mixing it with water to create a purifying lubricant... Wait, what? Is that the gelatin slime's alternative use? But really, should this kind of act be done right after the Spirit Festival? It's like turning the moon's embodiment into a paste and using it as a ritual of evil—what witchery.
「—Exploration of the unknown isn't bad. But, as guild members, we shouldn't tread with reckless bravery. We should always be prepared, even if our stride remains slow...」
You're saying good things, but this is still a conversation about sticking foreign objects up your rear...
「Ahh, why are men such fools. I never imagined even Mongrel, who seemingly has no luck with romance, to be this stupid.」
「I don't stick weird things in myself...」
「——Let's just say that's the case.」
「That is the case. Stop looking at me like that.」
Still, I didn't want an increase in guild members messing up their rears due to something I caused. Not because of pity or apologies, but simply because I didn't like it.
To avoid a future where I'm called "The Man Who Ruined All the Guild members' Rears in Regor", I figured I should get involved in this filthy enlightenment activity right away...
「So basically, it's because they're inserting weird-shaped objects that they can't be removed, right? If they use something specifically designed and safe, they're fine, right?」
「Mongrel, aren't you supposed to stop this?」
「I know it's stupid, but men who'll do it, will still do it...」
I've seen guys in my previous life who got themselves into such trouble and ended up needing a doctor's care.
Pens were normal, and there were worse cases like batteries, or even salmon roe...
The insatiable thirst for male pleasure can lower IQ by about 100 points. Once the drive triggers, it's unstoppable. Therefore, spreading safe practices is the only way to minimize the harm.
... What am I doing the day after the festival...?
As I was about to snap back to reality, I reminded myself that I must cleanse my own business. Ass only. Gahaha.
「——If I were to use something, it'd be shaped like this.」
「Oh.」
On the chalkboard of the bulletin board, Dickbald began drawing a design with chalk.
The device had a curvy shape—ah... what's it called? Emane? Enema? It sounds like one of those joke goods.
A toy for the rear.
「Hey, you there! Don't draw weird things on the guild bulletin board! Make sure you erase it later!」
Elena was yelling over from the reception. Absolutely rational. I had no comeback.
「If it's made of a smooth material, it should be pretty safe. This part ensures it doesn't go too far.」
「——Indeed. Of course, it still requires thorough polishing, beyond relying on lubricants.」
「Such a filthy conversation... Ah, my head hurts.」
「I see...」
Frankly, seeing the design made me wonder, 「Does this really belong inside a human body?」
Nonetheless, it probably does.
Aside from that, the device triggered a thought.
「Dickbald, do you think making and selling this kind of device could bring in profit?」
「——It would. Though, it's nothing more than the conclusion I reached from existing, similar products, the design carries enough appeal to sell for a high price.」
「Oh... I see. Making money in this area could also be viable...」
Adult goods are the essence of human desire. Many wouldn't hold back in spending on such things.
More importantly, the existence of a tangible model might help spread the general idea that "acceptable shapes for insertion are like this".
Though, it's not like I'm saying anything should be inserted...
「——Oh right, don't you have a product in the market that you created?」
「Yeah, inventions. Not that they sell well, though.」
Still, there must have been some movement during yesterday's festival.
I need to check on that, too.
「——If you create something worthwhile, call me. I'm always open to give feedback and reviews.」
Dickbald grinned suggestively as he said that.
... Not interested in feedback. Yep.
Then, instead of cleaning the town, I headed to the riverbank to start processing materials.
The large, thick horn of a Horned Wolf becomes sleek and has just the right balance of hardness and flexibility when polished. So, I decided to craft adult goods using that. If successful, it could safely enlighten and also provide a decent income.
Feelings of futility occasionally bubbled up as I wondered what I was doing the day after the festival by the river, crafting these. But dismissing those thoughts, I meticulously shaped the horn. It was a chance to wield my brute strength.
「Whew... Is this... about right?」
With Dickbald's design as a rough guide, I had a general idea of the shape. The size, though, was a tricky part, so I compared it against my own... gentleman. It was a dirty task, but the adult goods finally reached a provisional completion.
Though I made it, I had no desire to stick it into myself. The "Bad experience" reviews might worry me a bit, but I decided it wasn't my concern.
After making several, I polished them thoroughly... That seemed good enough.
The adult goods gleamed in the river water, having a milky sheen.
... Staring at this any longer might make me want to die, huh? Might as well get these sold at the Black Mist Market immediately.
「Hey, these kind of tools exist? Such good materials, and it feels wasted...」
「I think so too, Mercurio. Anyway, sell it high with the materials' cost in mind. I'm sure some enthusiast will eye it.」
「Well, I don't mind. Ah, by the way, all the washboards sold out. That might become a trend.」
「Really? That's great news.」
The Black Mist Market, perhaps even dirtied more due to the festival, seemed at least a bit more organized than the main streets. Anything in this district was potential merchandise, even the trash we used.
Due to that, now it seemed tidier here than anywhere else.
「And if anyone buys this tool, show them this caution poster as well. It explains its usage and warnings.」
「Heh. Did you write it, Mongrel?」
「Don't be ridiculous; a well-informed guild acquaintance did.」
「Hahaha. Alright, alright, I'll do that. Well, I don't know if there'll be buyers, but I hope to keep it in mind. Meanwhile, that washboard, man. Before others catch on, let's raise the price and push them out more. We could keep profiting a bit longer; how about making more?」
Mercurio seemed particularly keen on the washboard sales. The positive response must have really pleased him. The instincts of merchants can be quite reliable at times.
... I've spent quite a bit on the festival, too, so let's earn some solid coin through certain avenues. I've still got plans to splurge at the magic shop.
「Then I'll whip some up right away. I've got the logs ready, so one day will be enough.」
「Yeah, looking forward to it.」
So I began crafting washboards. Horn material one moment, then onto woodwork. While I wanted to help clean the city, this work needed doing first.
Powerfully grinding with the planer, I completed twenty washboards in half a day. The nostrils were filled with the scent of sawdust.
The next day, I bundled the boards and headed back to the Black Mist Market.
「Mongrel. The indecent gadgets you made, they all sold out yesterday.」
「Oh...」
「I even doubled the price, seeing the demand...」
Mercurio informed me of a complete sellout unexpectedly.
No promotions or anything... and yet they all went off the shelves.
Guild members? ... Definitely seems to fit them. Those who overheard at the guild may have searched for tools. Indeed, male romance, unstoppable as it seemed.
「Mercurio, can you give me an idea of who bought them? Perhaps they're the Three Heroes after all.」
「Who's Three Heroes... with such goods, even for you, Mongrel, I don't want to disclose much about customers.」
「Yeah, right. Sorry.」
「Alright, anyhow. There were two guys and one woman.」
「Wait, a woman bought it!? Is it for some kind of service job...?」
「Could be. She was young and pretty... maybe she's planning to use it with a close guy friend? People have their unique tastes. Heh heh.」
The unexpectedly strong sales tempted thoughts of mass-producing adult goods. But making washboards proved much more rewarding, easier, and beneficial to people's lives. Thus, I decided against making more of those gadgets.
Even in the unlikely case that my secret as Lord Chaos were discovered, I didn't want whispers that I also crafted adult toys attached to my name.
Indeed, it'd tarnish the brand of Lord Chaos...
-------------= Clacky's Corner -------------=
Yeah, adult toys in a place where there isn't much entertainment, who would have thought it would sell well?
【ദ്ദി(⩌ᴗ⩌)】