I was briefly taken aback as I looked at Ricardo standing in front of me.
Sure, Ricardo, you did say you would wait.
But that didn’t mean you’d chase me all the way to Drimokan, did it?
“……How are you here?”
As countless thoughts ran through my head, my gaze was drawn to Ricardo’s face. It was because of the relief that surged across his face like a rising tide.
“Thank goodness……”
Muttering like that, Ricardo covered his eyes with his hand. He looked as if he might collapse at any moment.
Not once had I ever thought Ricardo was small. But now, he looked so very small.
Maybe that’s why the words slipped out.
“If it’s because of what happened at the imperial palace, I’m fine.”
“……”
“You’re the one who looks hurt, please get treated first.”
I probably shouldn’t have said that last part.
I knew it was unnecessary meddling, but I couldn’t ignore how unlike himself Ricardo seemed.
At my words, he let out a small hollow laugh.
“Just who do you think is taking care of who right now……”
Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt.
I took a moment to choose my words.
“If not that, did you have something to tell me?”
That seemed to be the right guess.
“……Why all of a sudden?”
I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say. I tried to guess but soon gave up.
Forget it. What’s the point of any of this now?
I let out a deep sigh and began to say what I had kept buried in my heart.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”
“About what?”
“……About why you suddenly changed your attitude.”
Eileens had said it was all because of Bianca’s wish.
“You suddenly became interested because I, who used to obsess over you, changed, didn’t you?”
Come to think of it, if no one had possessed Bianca’s body, he probably wouldn’t have loved her.
Which means Ricardo fell in love with ‘someone’.
It didn’t necessarily have to be me.
Even if I believed I was possessed because I was the one meant to love him……
No.
‘It probably doesn’t matter either way.’
I cut the thought off and shrugged lightly.
“It’s a fleeting interest. Like a child becoming fascinated by a new toy only to quickly lose interest.”
“Why do you describe yourself that way? I’ve never once……!”
“Isn’t that the way it is?”
When I cut him off, the atmosphere instantly turned cold. That hadn’t been my intention, so I tried to smile.
Seeing Ricardo’s stiffened expression, though, it seemed to have backfired.
“If you had truly cherished me, you would’ve already dealt with the rumors about Idette.”
“……”
“But instead, you just stood by and insisted that all of this was your way of caring for me.”
I took a breath.
“Was that really consideration? Or was it just a convenient word for your own comfort?”
I had never felt it was consideration, yet if the other person insisted it was, was I supposed to accept it?
“I thought about it endlessly. That I was just receiving punishment for the wrongs I’d done to you in the past.”
……When in truth, I hadn’t done anything.
“So I endured it, even when others pointed fingers at me.”
Even though that wasn’t the price I was meant to pay.
“I kept brainwashing myself into thinking that everything would be over once the engagement was broken……!”
But it turned out it was all because of Bianca’s wish.
Just to receive your love.
It was the moment her wish was finally fulfilled, yet no one was happy.
“But I can’t brainwash myself anymore.”
None of this was okay.
Ever since I heard what Eileens said.
……No, maybe even before that?
I didn’t know when I had started to wear myself down. By the time I came to my senses, I realized I was barely holding on, struggling through each day.
Taking care of myself came before understanding you.
The emotions I had kept suppressed felt like they would burst out at any moment. Afraid even the rawest feelings would spill out in front of him, I hurriedly fixed my expression.
Just then, Ricardo’s voice, hoarse and cracked, rang out.
“……Is being with me, painful for you?”
Ricardo’s chin trembled.
“I… am I making you suffer……”
“……”
“I never once wished for you to suffer……”
In my head, I knew none of this was truly Ricardo’s fault.
I knew that even he must have been confused by Bianca’s sudden change.
But I was so overwhelmed by my own situation that I couldn’t think straight.
“Why are you doing this now? If you had made up your mind just a little earlier, I would’ve listened to you.”
Do you know how much I wanted to understand you?
If I had heard this before Eileens spoke to me, I would’ve believed whatever you said.
“……Would you really have?”
Ricardo, who had been quietly listening, clenched his fists tightly. Then, he quietly stepped closer to me.
“Have you looked in a mirror?”
“……A mirror?”
“To see what kind of expression you wear when you look at the world.”
Ricardo continued, his face twisted with pain.
“You look like someone who has no attachment to this world. Like someone ready to leave at any moment.”
“……!”
At that moment, I was speechless. My eyes trembled, and Ricardo let out a bitter laugh.
“……I was right.”
There was no way he could have noticed. No—he shouldn’t have noticed.
Could there be others who knew besides Ricardo?
No way… does Grandpa know too……?
Fear surged up in me, and I responded, pretending to be unaffected.
“Where else would I even go?”
“……Is that so.”
Ricardo muttered in a bitter voice. The sparkle I had once seen in his eyes back in Dians had vanished without a trace.
What happened that day now felt like a dream.
“Just let me ask you one thing.”
“……”
“Did I make you unhappy?”
For some reason, my heart dropped with a thud.
Ricardo looked so calm as he said it. Seeing him categorize himself as the source of my unhappiness felt like I was being strangled.
……Was I unhappy?
The silence that followed flowed slowly, like an eternity.
No voice could escape my choked throat.
If I wanted to sever my ties with Ricardo for good, I had to answer. That was what I had always wished for.
But……
Not every memory I had in this place was painful.
I couldn’t claim that every moment I shared with him was pure misery.
So I had to deny his question.
And yet, all the sorrowful memories came flooding in, clouding my mind. I was once again caught by the ankle, trapped by the image of myself crying alone in a desolate place.
“……You really are kind, even to the end.”
Seeing me hesitate, Ricardo forced a smile.
“You once asked for my forgiveness.”
The letter I had sent him, filled with apology. He had never sent a reply.
“I had already forgiven you then. You weren’t paying the price for the past.”
It was true that I had resented Ricardo. But I had never meant to hurt him this deeply.
“Everything you went through until now was entirely my fault.”
“……Is that what you wanted to say?”
I barely managed to get the words out. This wasn’t what I had meant to say.
“No. I came to ask for a rightful understanding from you.”
“……Liar.”
Ricardo flinched. His trembling eyes, which he couldn’t hide, gave away his true feelings as he spoke in a trembling voice.
“I told you. I wanted to be hated by you.”
“……So did you get what you wanted?”
“Yes. I’m satisfied.”
Ricardo, saying that, looked like a man driven to the edge of a cliff.