Chapter 16 - Fairies Don't Poop!
The next morning.
“Haah~”
Lin Fan yawned as he climbed out of bed, making his way from the bedroom to the bathroom.
As he passed through the living room, he was startled by Longyue, who was sitting silently on the sofa.
“Whoa, Empress, you could have made a sound when you woke up. You’re sitting there like a ghost.”
“This Empress is finished… finished…”
With a look on her face as if life were meaningless, Longyue ignored Lin Fan, muttering to herself with her head lowered.
Lin Fan walked to her side with concern.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
She had been in a pretty good mood after eating the whole cake when she came back last night. How did she wake up looking like she was at death's door?
“Wuwuwu… This Empress is finished, finished…!”
Longyue suddenly covered her face and wept, crying her heart out.
Lin Fan was startled. This was the first time he had seen that cold and strong-willed Empress like this.
“Hey hey hey, what on earth is wrong? Don’t just cry, tell me what happened.”
“Wuwuwu… This Empress, this Empress… This Empress is unclean!”
Longyue grabbed Lin Fan’s collar in grief and cried out.
“Huh… (⊙_⊙)? How are you unclean? I didn’t do anything to you.”
Lin Fan had a look of astonishment.
Longyue raised her head with reddened eyes and glared at him furiously.
“That’s not what this Empress meant!”
“Then what kind of unclean do you mean?”
Lin Fan was even more confused.
“You...! Honestly! Do you really have to make this Empress say it so directly!”
“Fine! This Empress will tell you, this Empress pooped! Are you happy now! Wuwuwu...”
As she spoke, Longyue became agitated and started crying her heart out again.
Lin Fan stood rooted to the spot, a blank look on his face.
“Pooped? And then what…?”
“What do you mean, ‘and then what’! This is a very grave matter! It is something that absolutely cannot be tolerated!”
“This Empress is the Empress of the Supreme Sacred Heavenly Palace, revered by the masses! How, how can I expel such a filthy and foul substance from my body like a mortal!”
“I can’t accept it! This Empress cannot accept it! This must not be real!”
Longyue held her head in her hands, her expression filled with a despair and grief that she could not accept.
Generally, after a cultivator reaches a certain realm and achieves inedia, they only need to absorb the spirit of heaven and earth to nourish themselves and no longer need to eat, and naturally, they no longer need to perform any excretory functions.
Even if they ate some food due to desires of the mouth and stomach, they could rely on their own power to completely purify and absorb the food.
Things that truly couldn’t be purified and absorbed would be transformed into a ball of turbid qi or condensed into a filth pellet to be expelled from the mouth or the surface of the body.
Excreting from her lower body like a mortal was something she had never done before!
Not even once!
This was something she absolutely could not accept. It would not be an exaggeration to call it a stain and a disgrace on her life!
If others were to find out, her prestigious name as the Empress of the Immortal Realm would cease to exist!
At this moment, she even had the impulse to end her own life, to have one ending solve a hundred problems. Just let that Supreme Sacred Empress be considered dead from when she fell into the void...
“And here I thought it was something serious. Isn’t it just a trip to the toilet?”
“Going to the toilet is a form of detoxification. This is a good thing. A person can't just hold in their poop until they die, right?”
Learning that it was just a trip to the toilet, Lin Fan felt relieved and comforted her nonchalantly.
She ate almost an entire cream cake by herself last night; it would have been difficult not to go to the toilet.
Now that the spiritual energy in her body was almost completely gone, her body needed to eat to replenish its functions, so naturally, it also needed to detoxify like a mortal's. In his eyes, this was all very normal.
Longyue couldn't accept this fact and roared at Lin Fan, almost in despair:
“It’s not a good thing at all!”
“This Empress is the Empress of the Supreme Sacred Heavenly Palace, the Supreme Sovereign of the Immortal Realm!”
“Fairies don’t poop!!”
Lin Fan: “…”
Lin Fan was speechless. After a moment of silence, he could only cough lightly and try to comfort her from a different angle:
“Empress, expelling impurities and toxins from the body is an instinctive mechanism of the body. Now that you and I have lost our cultivation, our bodies cannot purify impurities on their own, so we have to excrete them externally like mortals.”
“It’s not just you. Even this sovereign is the same. Pooping is a common human experience; there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Hearing this, Longyue felt a little better and stopped crying.
“Really? Then Demon Sovereign, you’ve pooped too?”
“...Er, of course! I already took a big one last night, so Your Majesty, you don’t need to be concerned.”
Lin Fan admitted after a slight hesitation.
Longyue wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes, her heart suddenly feeling much more balanced.
“But Demon Sovereign, you’re of the Demon Clan, and your original body was that of a mortal. Isn’t it normal for your body to expel such a filthy substance? This Empress is different from you.”
Lin Fan: “...”
“Empress, it’s no fun when you talk like that…”
He had kindly tried to comfort someone, only to be stabbed in return. Lin Fan was utterly speechless.
To comfort her, he had even told a well-intentioned lie, but she actually thought it was natural for the Demon Clan to poop…
If they still had their cultivation and spiritual energy, they of the Demon Clan also wouldn't need to poop, okay!
“Sorry, this Empress was rude.”
Longyue also felt that it seemed inappropriate for her to speak like that and hurriedly apologized.
After this guidance from Lin Fan, she didn't feel so bad anymore.
No matter what, this was the body’s self-preservation mechanism. In order to be able to return to the Immortal Demon Continent later, she could only accept it all.
“It’s alright.”
Seeing that Longyue’s mood had improved considerably, Lin Fan got up and walked towards the bathroom, preparing for his morning wash-up.
When he pushed open the bathroom door, he couldn't help but freeze on the spot.
At the same time, Longyue’s bone-chilling words sounded from behind him, and a wave of icy killing intent swept down his spine.
“If you dare to say it smells, this Empress will kill you!”
Lin Fan silently swallowed his saliva and hurriedly braced himself as he walked into the bathroom.
He felt that if he had hesitated for even a moment longer, or dared to say one more word, the person behind him might have killed him to silence him…
When Lin Fan came out after washing up, he saw that Longyue, whose mood had just recovered a little, was once again lying on the sofa with a look on her face as if life were meaningless. With a glimmer of tears in her eyes, she gazed up at the ceiling, muttering to herself:
“Home… This Empress wants to go home…”
She knew so little about this brand new and unknown world, and she didn't even know how to begin to understand it more.
She had no idea what she should do next; her path in life was completely lost.
“Empress, you’re just too idle, that's why you’re always letting your thoughts run wild.”
Lin Fan sat down beside Longyue and pointed a finger at the television set in the center of the living room.
“This sovereign has already set up the television. Do you want to watch?”
“Television? This black mirror?”
Longyue turned her head to look at the television, her expression puzzled.
The television’s dark screen reflected her appearance and that of the living room, looking just like a black mirror.
“This isn’t a mirror, it’s a television, an electrical appliance specifically for playing videos. It’s one of the means of pastime and entertainment for people nowadays.”
Lin Fan gave a simple introduction, then picked up the television’s remote control and turned it on.
The television screen lit up, and the screen instantly filled with color and sound. On the screen, a few talking sheep appeared.
Seeing this scene, Longyue’s eyes instantly widened. She sprang up from the sofa in surprise and pointed a finger at the screen:
“Sheep! The sheep are talking!”