Translator: Elisia
Editor/Proofreader: Wojo
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The story I heard from Soo-ah was surprising.
She was scared of being continuously ostracized, so Soo-ah chose to confront others.
She kept initiating conversations, trying to catch their attention, and showing that she wanted to be friends.
She figured out what others liked, while simultaneously maximizing her own strengths.
After bumping into people several times like that, Soo-ah managed to become a popular kid at school.
She had at least one friend in each class, and even when moving up a grade, she didn’t have to worry about starting alone.
“But why did you talk to me that day?”
She didn’t gain all that easily.
She had to approach people who rejected her and make efforts to become friends, whether they liked her or not.
That effort must have been neither short nor easy.
When I thought about how quickly I gave up after a brief attempt, it felt even more impressive.
“…I just felt like I should.”
Soo-ah was sitting on the bed, hugging her knees.
For some reason, she looked pitiful.
“You felt like you should?”
When I tilted my head,
“…”
Soo-ah, who had been silent for a moment, finally spoke.
“When you were isolated, I was among friends.”
“…”
“I knew it too. That you were being ignored and bullied by others. After all, I was at the center of it.”
Soo-ah didn’t lead that situation.
However, she was complicit in a way.
That’s one way to interpret it.
Soo-ah’s voice trembled as she continued speaking.
“I wasn’t thinking anything. I just avoided you because others said bad things would happen if they talked to you. They said it was better to stay away. So, I didn’t talk to you. I was afraid that getting close to you would distance me from others, that all the relationships I had built would break.”
It was a reasonable assumption.
Even if the rumors about my mother doing something crazy to the people around me were nonsense, it was true that when Soo-ah started talking to me and becoming friends, she quickly distanced herself from others.
“So, did you feel guilty?”
When I asked, Soo-ah stayed quiet for a moment before nodding her head.
“And… I don’t know if I’ll be forgiven for saying this.”
Soo-ah hesitated for a long time before speaking again in a slightly cracked voice.
“I think I admired you.”
“Admired?”
It was the most confusing thing I had heard from her today.
Admired?
She admired me?
Could she really have thought that, after seeing my situation?
But at the same time, it was an intriguing story.
In truth, I had reached a point where I didn’t care much about my surroundings.
Since no one responded even when I spoke, I simply chose to ignore them entirely.
And that became an unspoken rule, creating an invisible wall between me and the kids who sat around me.
I didn’t think well of those kids.
Actually, I disliked them.
After all, they were the ones who created my situation.
But the most important thing to me in the past was always my relationship with my mother.
The reason I stayed alive was because I wanted to meet her again, and the reason I decided to die was to attract her attention, as she was the proof of my connection to the world.
Soo-ah said she admired me after seeing that.
I was a bit curious about what exactly she felt.
Perhaps thinking I was angry with her, Soo-ah remained silent for even longer than before before slowly speaking again.
“Even while being bullied, you were always confident.”
It wasn’t confidence—it was just indifference.
“And that day too, you didn’t reject me—”
I took a photo with Soo-ah.
Yes, if it had been the old me,
If it had been me before choosing death or failing to die,
I probably wouldn’t have done that.
As always, I would have just ignored her and walked past.
Because, to me, Lee Soo-ah meant nothing.
Just as I meant nothing to others.
“But the me of that time wasn’t really me.”
I quietly mumbled.
“…”
Soo-ah silently nodded.
“Even when you were hurt by others, it seemed like you endured it as if nothing happened. Unlike me, who tried to run away in any way possible.”
That’s wrong.
I never endured it.
I just tried to ignore it.
And in the end, I didn’t endure it at all.
Because I died.
…No.
Even that was a failure, thanks to someone.
And now, I’m grateful.
“…I’m sorry.”
“…”
I knew that apology was one I deserved.
Just like the one from Yang Hye-in.
Given how they treated me, perhaps I should accept Soo-ah’s apology the same way I did with Yang Hye-in.
So that the other person doesn’t feel any sense of relief from their apology.
That was the only revenge I could take.
But strangely, I didn’t want to do that.
No, it’s not that I wanted to forgive her.
Rather, I didn’t want to forgive her at all.
…But it wasn’t because I hated her.
It’s just that, hearing her apology now, it didn’t really hit my heart.
I knew it too.
That this was a biased judgment.
Yang Hye-in also tried to help me in her own way, and she was the one who apologized first.
I could sense her sincerity in that apology.
But strangely, I didn’t feel like I wanted to put Soo-ah and Yang Hye-in on the same level.
“…”
Why was that?
“…Wait.”
Soo-ah suddenly started to adjust her posture.
If my guess was right, she was trying to kneel.
…But for some reason, I didn’t like it.
Not logically, but emotionally.
“…Hmm.”
After thinking for a long time, I sighed deeply.
I don’t know.
Maybe it was because of that person.
I looked back at Soo-ah’s face.
From her face, a bright light still shone.
Not as bright as Ha-neul’s, but still one of the people who changed my life.
…And this was probably that person’s decision.
If so, I would trust that judgment.
“Apologies can come later.”
But I couldn’t just forgive her and move on right now.
…Because not letting things slide was also that person’s judgment.
“…Okay.”
Soo-ah simply nodded at my words.
*
Is it okay to walk around someone else’s house in the middle of the night?
…Well, I suppose it depends on the situation.
The reason I woke up quietly in the middle of the night was simply because I was thirsty.
Normally, I would have called for a maid, but the person working here was an elderly lady.
There were older servants where I lived as well, but comparing ‘someone I had no relationship with’ and ‘the people who ruined my life’ might be a bit much.
Besides, she wasn’t my servant; she was employed by Soo-ah’s parents.
So, without saying anything, I got up from the bed—
And realized that Soo-ah was clinging tightly to my right arm.
Her warm body was pressed against my arm, making it sweat even though it wasn’t a particularly hot night.
“…”
Well, this was something I experienced daily.
Slowly, as carefully as possible, I pulled my arm out without waking Soo-ah.
It took a while, but it didn’t really matter.
If I got sleepy tomorrow, I could just nap at school.
…And, in one of the plans I was considering in my head, there was even the option to not go to school at all.
Of course, that was an extreme option.
The person who wished for me to live ‘normally’ would definitely oppose that idea.
“Ah.”
That’s right.
I was talking about how I’ve been living recently when I was asked, sharing what’s been happening lately.
I recalled the moment that felt like a dream, yet wasn’t.
Every night, that person waits for me in my room.
Whenever I go to bed, I feel like I’m ‘returning’ because of that person.
…But when I open my eyes, that person is gone again.
Maybe, I should open up my heart a little more?
I often have such thoughts, but I’m always afraid of how that person would react if they saw the ugly thoughts I usually have.
That person is just too kind.
What if they become disgusted with my dark desires?
I’m always worried about that.
I sat up in bed.
This bed was just as comfortable as the one I usually slept in, and it made no noise as I moved.
I carefully felt my way through the dark as I walked slowly toward the living room.
Luckily, the moonlight was bright enough to illuminate the empty living room.
And as I headed toward the kitchen—
I stopped when I saw light seeping out.
The kitchen light wasn’t on.
It was probably coming from the fridge door being open.
“…”
Would it be a good idea to meet the person in there right now?
As I was contemplating,
“…Soo-ah?”
A deep male voice called out.
…It was Soo-ah’s father.
After a moment of hesitation, I decided to head in that direction.