Chapter 82
After meeting Isabel, I started attending the academy again.
I just wanted to lock myself up in my room, but what could I do when Theo said he wanted to graduate?
Theo still stuck close to me, but at least during class hours, he left me in Ethel’s care.
Since I kept trying to die at random moments, he even told her that if things got dicey, she should just knock me out with a spell.
Even so, it’s not like I try to do it constantly.
It’s just—when I get a little down, or when that thing I called an apology starts gnawing at me, and the fact that they accepted it makes everything feel… off.
I was already twisted beyond repair—there’s no way back from this.
Even if I blew my head off now, went back, and lived a peaceful life without killing any more demons, the memories would stay lodged in my head, slowly eating me from the inside.
Eventually, I’d snap again—like now—and start spinning up the slaughter factory all over again.
So in the end, I’d need something to rely on.
Like setting a goal… or clinging to someone.
Right now, I was clinging to Ethel.
No—that’s not right. I was being clung to by her.
“…Ethel, how long are you going to stick to me like glue?”
"Theo-sunbae told me never to leave you alone no matter what."
"I'm not some lonely bunny, you know…"
"Anyway!"
The classes were just about magic theory or history. Nothing higher than what I’d already learned back at the mansion, so it’s not like I needed to listen.
Ethel probably should’ve, though. She wasn’t exactly the brightest.
She laughed and chatted like everything was normal, but it felt like she was tiptoeing on a high wire.
Ethel, me, and even Theo—we all avoided any talk that might make things heavy.
No one brought up the past or our families.
Like we were trying to erase it all.
At the same time, I felt like Alicia’s presence inside me was fading away.
What I felt was probably guilt, and maybe the tiniest bit of relief.
The shame that followed was horrific, but still—why had I felt relieved?
Maybe I was just tired. Pathetically so, after repeating the same thing dozens of times.
I’d muttered over and over that I’d keep moving, even if my body melted into sludge, for Alicia’s sake. But maybe that was all a lie.
Once that thought filled my head, I stared blankly at the empty air.
"Ellen, Ellen!"
Until Ethel started calling me after all the classes had ended.
"Ah, yeah. What?"
"…Are you really okay?"
"What do you mean."
Filthy, clinging, disgusting feelings bubbled up inside, but I couldn’t take it out on Ethel.
I stood up, stared at my hand for a long time, and answered quietly.
And if I wasn’t okay? Then what? I'd just freak out again like always and that would be the end of it.
"…I'm fine."
As we left the classroom, Theo was waiting up ahead.
Was this normal?
It felt like nothing had happened.
If I pretended to be my old self, everything would seem like it went back to normal.
No—seem like it. At least on the surface.
That feeling of disconnect started to wrap around my body again.
I wanted to blow my head off.
After class, I went home with Theo.
Whether it was my quiet, mostly empty mansion save for a few servants, or Theo’s home with its warm, happy family—it didn’t matter.
"Theo, you said you hated me, right?"
"…Why are you bringing this up now when we were just getting along?"
"It's nothing big. Just—could you strangle me for a bit?"
"…That is big."
"Anyway, strangle me hard enough that it feels like my neck’s about to snap.
I kinda feel like dangling like Julian."
Whenever I got the urge to self-harm or die, wouldn’t it be enough to just get beaten up or bullied by someone else?
Theo wouldn’t actually kill me anyway.
"How long are you going to keep doing this?
You knew Isabel would act like that."
"Why are you suddenly bringing up Isabel?"
"…She wasn’t ever normal, but now she’s going around kneeling to those kids and apologizing to everyone, and you do this every day."
"That’s not the reason."
Theo stared at me for a long time.
The back of my neck itched, so I scratched it hard.
The skin had peeled, and a bit of blood came out, but this kind of thing healed fast with some medicine I kept in the basement.
"I’m just trying to reduce the sense of disconnect however I can."
Ethel forgave me way too easily.
So did Isabel.
Even the kids around us, though they seemed hesitant, were kind to me after I brought them new furniture.
Even those half-demons my subordinates beat up.
The world felt a little off.
Was the game world always this full of peace and warmth?
Was it just my family that was broken?
Fine, let’s say that’s true.
Whether it’s guilt or the sin of abandoning Alicia, I didn’t know—but something kept tightening around my neck.
But in reality, I couldn’t breathe for real, and that made my head feel like it was spinning.
If the body and mind are supposed to be one, then the pain should also happen in both.
I wasn’t some Frenchman who draws coordinate planes and eats frogs with a grin.
I didn’t believe I existed just because I thought, or that my body and mind were separate.
If my heart hurt, then my body should hurt too. That way I could be sure this wasn’t just some shitty game world.
Otherwise, every time I had to scoop up my own guts, it’d be too fucking pathetic.
Now, the only one left to slice open my stomach was Theo.
Don’t take it too seriously.
As always, it’s just bullshit.
Everything I say is a lie, garbage, nonsense, madness, words worth getting stoned to death over.
I should get my tongue ripped out and nailed to a post to die drying out.
That’s how I killed those who weren’t even human.
Even if they were demons who ate people and burned things, there were some I killed who didn’t do a thing. Even that succubus who protected kids at the orphanage.
When I strangle my own neck, I never really feel like I’m suffocating. All I do is keep tearing at my skin for no reason.
“Disconnect, huh?”
“See? Ethel just accepted my apology like it was nothing, and even Julius said okay, though he clearly didn’t like it.
Thankfully, the Count and his wife made it clear they wouldn’t forgive me.”
"Why the hell is that a good thing…?"
"Some things deserve forgiveness, and some don’t."
Theo gave me a look that said, who the hell are you to say that?
I am the one to say it.
I shouldn’t have been forgiven so easily—but I was.
Ethel should’ve blown my head off. Isabel should’ve torn my limbs apart and dumped what was left into a pen of starving pigs.
Pigs make it seem even more disgusting and meaningless than dogs or wolves.
That’s what punishment is.
Regret shouldn’t erase it.
“So what—you’re trying to say you’re someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness?
It’s over. Nothing’s going to happen anymore.
Sure, some psychos might show up now and then, but none of them will be as awful as you!”
Hearing him say I was awful hurt my delicate heart.
What if, overcome with grief, I pointed a gun to my temple and pulled the trigger when it was just me and Ethel in the classroom?
"See? I’m still awful.
It’s not over.
We just hope it is."
"…Yeah, you’re fucking awful. Drove me nuts.
I thought over and over that I wanted you dead, and a few times, I did kill you.
But you just kept coming back to life, and sometimes you went after my family, wrecking everything around me with your own hands.
It's fucking unbearable. No matter how many times I stop you, it never ends."
Then what do you want me to do.
My neck itched like mad.
I scratched it.
My nails were trimmed so short the skin barely stayed on.
It was all a mess.
"…And I’m the worst of all.
In the end, I was the one telling you demons were people too and to stop doing this crazy shit, but I gave up.
My family, and the people I met at the academy… they meant more to me than demons ever could."
If I said that just now, it’d be an excuse.
If Theo said it, it was the truth.
I understood that. But I hated it so much I pulled out my gun and unloaded on him.
Gunshots inside the house weren’t new, so the servants just sighed. No one came running.
I thought he’d dodge them all—but one bullet landed in his shoulder.
Theo scowled, pulled a tiny iron rod from the air to dig the bullet out, and poured potion on the wound.
"…What the hell are you doing, you lunatic."
"Ahaha, fuck. I asked you to strangle me, and you’re here preaching.
Cut the crap, or I’ll kill your damn parents nex—kghk!! Ackkk!!"
Bringing up family always worked fastest.
He had some moral line, so unless I said something like that, he wouldn’t move.
A long time ago, I brought my subordinates to Theo’s house and opened fire.
Didn’t kill the whole family—but I think his mom and little sister died?
I was glad he didn’t kill them.
Kind of funny that I could think that after being the one who killed them.
The pressure on my neck that felt like it’d snap any second slowly loosened.
Air rushed into my lungs.
"You’ve lost all strength, haah… and why are you crying?"
"I hate you."
"Do you now."
I couldn’t meet his eyes.
"You get on top of me, strangle me, and then say that?
All I can say is—fuck you."
I couldn’t even say sorry.
Just—don’t come near me like you mean it.