Chapter 73
"...Don’t say it’s impossible."
"If I can’t do it, who can?
You? You can’t even break free from my grip."
Theo released my wrist and shoved me lightly.
"Even without restraints, you can’t do anything."
My body ached slightly.
Ignoring it, I swung my fist at Theo.
He blocked each strike effortlessly. Kicked at him—missed completely.
"I bet you don’t even remember killing my family.
Don’t remember locking me up, laughing while you cut into me."
"So what? You want revenge?"
Theo chuckled.
Not a mocking laugh. Not one of amusement.
A laugh to suppress rage.
"I used to get caught up in old memories. Used to yell, cry, beg you.
But I realized—that’s exactly what you wanted from me."
I tried to retort, but the words caught in my throat.
Because I couldn’t deny it.
I had always drawn out the reactions I wanted from others.
"When someone rebuked you, tore into you, you enjoyed it.
Because you believed you deserved it—for failing to protect Alicia."
Theo gripped my wrists tightly in one hand and pointed a finger at me.
"I won’t play along anymore.
If your plan is to kill all the demons and then throw yourself away, my job is to keep you alive and throw back your bullshit whenever necessary."
Would he break my wrist?
I didn’t want to stick around a guy who had a habit of snapping bones and mending them just to break them again.
"You hate living, so I’ll make sure you keep doing it."
His voice was thick with resentment.
Layer upon layer of old emotions spilling out all at once.
I hated this.
People who cursed and resented me—they all ended up dead, or locked away until they wasted away.
I had never been the one in danger.
But this—this was different.
I hated it.
I wanted everything under my feet, under my control.
Yet here I was, pinned beneath Theo.
"What changes if you keep me alive?
Forget my feelings. What changes for you?"
I struggled, of course.
"The future will still be there.
Maybe I’ll see a new day—one that isn’t swallowed by the same old despair you spew every time you open your mouth.
Even if things don’t get better, I believe they will."
So hopeful.
"If you’re going to keep me alive, take responsibility.
Stop spewing that useless crap."
"You’ve never taken responsibility for anything.
Maybe now’s the time to start."
"Hah. And what am I supposed to do?
The demons are already ashes in the dirt."
Theo seemed to seriously consider that.
I shook my arm, called his name—he ignored me, lost in thought.
But when I reached for the fallen dagger, he pressed a foot onto my hand.
Was he thinking or just messing with me?
Annoyed, I pulled out a cigar.
There was a faint stain of blood on it.
Lighting up, I took a long drag. The heat in my head cooled slightly.
I thought I was in control, but maybe I never was.
I couldn’t do anything.
Maybe Theo was right—maybe letting go wasn’t so bad.
Responsibility?
I’d already taken it.
I’d wiped out nearly every last demon.
I’d atoned for Alicia, for existing, for wasting air every goddamn day.
Responsibility isn’t some grand, universal thing.
It’s different for everyone.
So what do I have left?
My parents burned alive in a theater, Alicia was torn apart by demons, Julian strangled himself until he dangled lifeless in the air.
His will had asked to be buried next to his sister—what was left of her after the demons had their way.
I shot Ethel, never saw her again. Same with Isabel.
Diana—I pushed her away with cruel words.
Marco? I paid him off and let him go.
The estate was stripped to its bare minimum.
All I had left was a mountain of money, weapons, and a name.
To the world, that meant power. To me, it was nothing.
If someone wanted it, I’d give it to them.
But only if they endured the same upbringing I had.
No one would.
I had nothing left.
That was me.
Nothing. Owning nothing. Just a fool grasping at old memories.
Alicia was gone, and I had truly, completely, absolutely nothing left.
So I asked Theo.
"Come up with anything?"
"…Nothing."
Why did he have to be right?
Did he want to tear me down completely?
Make me feel even more meaningless?
The idea of living felt even more unbearable.
But Theo’s voice, thick with anger moments ago, had settled.
Earlier, he had been on the verge of snapping my neck.
Maybe time really did dull everything.
But this emptiness inside me—
The gaping void left by Alicia—
I knew time would never fix that.
"If you meet Ethel and Isabel and apologize, they’ll forgive you."
"Did you just say forgive?
You want me to crawl to Ethel and Isabel and beg?"
"What’s wrong with that?"
"Everything. You, Ethel, the demons, everything around me!"
Call it pride.
I wasn’t about to admit I had been wrong.
Even if I was.
Even if there had been a demon among them—a heroine, maybe.
She was dead now.
Or rather—I had killed her.
The name was faint in my memory, but I had recognized her before burning her alive.
I think it was beside Theo.
That must be why he’s being so damn spiteful now.
Just because I torched some mutts, he’s throwing a tantrum.
Like they weren’t everywhere, overrunning the place.
"...I don’t like you, but you’ll need at least some decent human connections if you want to keep living.
I could stick around forever, but honestly, I hate the idea."
Was he trying to act nonchalant?
It was just annoying.
Not like he’d ever say something with my feelings in mind.
And I didn’t have to consider his either.
"So?"
"Instead of thinking about hanging yourself, go see Ethel.
You always said people need something to do to keep going.
...Even if, for you, that meant killing demons."
Apologizing to Ethel.
What would I even say?
Sorry for killing your pet? Sorry for putting holes in your stomach?
If it were me, I wouldn’t forgive me.
I’d rip my throat out.
This wasn’t the kind of thing an apology could fix.
I had stormed into her home mid-meal, beaten her family bloody, and slaughtered the demons she’d been trying to smuggle away.
From her perspective, I was her mortal enemy.
I turned to Theo, exasperation in my voice.
"...Ha. With what face do I even go to Ethel?"
Theo scoffed.
"Ha. Face? You never had shame to begin with.
Always waving a gun or a knife at me the second things don’t go your way."
"At least commend my perseverance in challenging you despite knowing you’ll just dodge or block."
"You already know Ethel’s got an unhealthy attachment to you.
I don’t know what it is exactly...
But no matter what you did, as long as you didn’t kill her family, she forgave you."
His phrasing was sloppy.
What he meant was, Ethel held me dear.
"...Did she?"
"And she will again.
You even let her scary-looking brother live."
"After wrecking everything else, what exactly do I gain from slapping on a smile and apologizing now?"
Theo shrugged.
"Nothing. Maybe a flimsy sense of peace."
For dozens of cycles, I had hurt Ethel again and again.
Then avoided her like the plague.
The thought of ‘now’ dug into my brain and wouldn’t leave.
Still, I needed to do something.
For Theo, for me—
Because sitting still was unbearable.
A flimsy sense of peace.
Too grand a reward for the shameless act I was about to commit.