Chapter 7: The Silent Boy
※ Stuttering ... A type of developmental disorder where the first words don't come out when speaking, or words don't flow smoothly. This is inspired by the author best friend. It is by no means meant to be discriminatory.
☆ ☆ ☆
I'm heading to my best friend Sho's house.
To talk about what's been happening these past few days.
That said, there's nothing particularly unusual, right?
Satsuki suddenly dumped me, the next day I was a mess, and yesterday she decisively ended it. The day and situation of being dumped haven't changed, but I want to prove myself to her.
I'm not obsessed, but I want to work hard to show her.
It's like a declaration of resolve.
Apparently, Sho started a part-time job! He says it's tough working in food service!
But he's learning a lot! He taught me all sorts of things.
Sho's younger brother, Hii-chan, who's 4 years old, keeps peeking into the room.
We're done talking, okay? Come on in!
Hii-chan: "Older brother, you've got it rough, huh?"
You understand? Wow, you're smart... What was I like at this age?
I try to remember...
☆ ☆ ☆
I'm Kousuke Saito. When I was little, I was told I had a stutter.
I didn't really get what that meant, but in kindergarten, no other kid spoke like me, and I thought, huh? That's weird.
In elementary school, you have to speak in front of people a lot, right?
But even if I didn't mean to, too many words would come out.
"I-I-I'm Saito, Kousuke."
They stared at me curiously,
"Why do you say I-I-I'm? That's weird!"
I was shocked,
Even when I asked my mom, she dodged the question.
My older brother said it's just my uniqueness, but in the end, I'm still weird.
By first grade, I understood that.
The more I tried to be careful, the worse my stutter got.
My family talked about how it might get better as I grew up.
Apparently, many improve with growth, but some stay the same for life.
I came to accept that I wasn't normal.
So, it can't be helped, right? I'd act spoiled with my mom, skip events I didn't like, or say I hated it because of my stutter, and usually, I'd be excused.
Back then, I was unstable, torn between two feelings.
I'm not normal, so cut me some slack, okay?
Don't treat me differently!
They contradicted each other, but both were my true feelings.
I thought a lot in my head, but when I spoke, it came out as s-s-s, so I naturally became quiet.
I didn't want people to think I was upset, so I became expressionless.
I looked at normal kids and thought, they're so dumb, or they should think more, looking down on them.
Looking back now, I realize how foolish and mistaken I was, but as a kid, I couldn't name my emotions.
It was jealousy.
By second grade, that feeling sharpened, and I openly looked down on others.
They can speak normally but are so stupid, slow at running, bad at games. I didn't say it out loud, but I criticized them for everything.
But because I had a stutter, I genuinely thought it was the stutter's fault, hated it, and resented my classmates who didn't have it.
In short, I blamed everything on my stutter. I have a stutter, but I'm amazing. My flaws are because of the stutter. They're amazing because they don't have one! That's how I felt.
I was a nasty little brat, wasn't I?
In third grade, I had my first class change.
I didn't need friends anyway, so it didn't matter.
It's just two years of knowing them, right?
But there was one guy who didn't fit that mold.
During lunch break,
?: "Saito-kun, wanna play basketball?"
What? I shake my head. No.
?: "Oh, bummer. I'll ask again tomorrow, okay?"
Annoying.
But the next day, and the day after that, he kept inviting me,
?: "Kousuke? You'll play basketball, right?"
(When did he start calling me Kousuke?)
Kousuke: "I-I-I'm not playing."
?: "Eh? I'll ask again tomorrow, okay?"
A friend of the guy from earlier also speaks to me,
?: "Acchan doesn't get it with that kind of refusal."
Huh? Three days in a row? Take the hint.
Sho: "Oh, I'm Sho Tachibana. He's Atsuki Kanzaki, Acchan. Once Acchan sets his sights on you, you've got no choice but to join us, okay?"
(I know, we're in the same class.)
...In the end, I started playing basketball.
Refusing got tiresome.
But the biggest reason was that I'd never been invited this much before.
Usually, people hear my stutter, approach me out of curiosity, mock me, or obviously act like they don't care, but Atsuki-kun and Sho-kun were different. They genuinely didn't mind, and that felt good.
I started hanging out with the two of them often.
My mom was happy, saying they're my friends!
One day,
Atsuki: "Let's go catch some stag beetles!"
Sho: "Isn't June a bit early for that?"
Kousuke: "..."
So, we decided to go.
On the way back, since Atsuki-kun went a different direction, I walked home with Sho-kun.
Naturally, it was too early for stag beetles in June, and there were none.
Sho: "Kousuke-kun, Acchan's a bit of an idiot, so you've got to speak up, or you'll get dragged into things. But he listens if it's a 2-to-1 majority vote, okay?"
Kousuke: "..."
Sho: "Well, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. But June is definitely too early for stag beetles."
I got annoyed,
Kousuke: "I-I-I'm not refusing to talk. I-It's just, with this way of speaking...!"
Since we're in the same class, Sho-kun knows about my stutter. I thought maybe with these two, it's okay to say something like this.
Sho: "I don't really get the speaking thing. But I think it's tough and painful for you, Kousuke-kun, not to be able to say what you're thinking. Isn't it okay to talk freely with me and Acchan? Tell us what's on your mind. Sorry for not picking up on it!"
Kousuke: "...Y-You won't laugh?"
Sho: "Unless you say something really funny, I won't laugh!"
Kousuke: "...I-I-I've got a worry."
Sho-kun braces himself to listen.
He nods, urging me to go on.
Kousuke: "D-D-Don't I and my mom look super alike?"
Sho: "Hahaha! Yeah, you do! Your features are totally similar!"
Kousuke: "Y-Y-You laughed!"
Sho: "Of course I did!!"
I often heard things like, it's tough, huh? Don't worry about it, or take your time, keep at it!
But it was the first time someone thought, isn't it painful not to say what you're thinking? And I was incredibly happy about that.
It was the first time I felt so understood, and it made me really glad.
On the way home that day, maybe as a reaction to usually not talking much, I ended up talking a lot. It was embarrassing.
But I was really, really happy.
Until now, I always felt uneasy because people gave off this vibe of "don't worry about talking!"
But Sho-kun genuinely didn't mind at all. He talked to me normally and listened to me.
Sho: "Actually, I'm more of the shy type who can't talk to people."
That's what he said,
Since that day, I started talking to Sho-kun and Atsuki-kun.
And strangely enough, the more I talked, the less resistance I felt.
I became able to talk quite a bit, and even my stuttering wasn't as bad as before. I thought, if it keeps getting better like this, that would be great.
Around the fall of third grade,
I started hanging out more with Sho-kun and Atsuki-kun. My family is a gamer family, and I'm a huge game lover too, but those two are mischievous boys who love playing outdoors.
Atsuki-kun randomly brings friends along, so the group is different every day.
I'm still on the quiet side, but I manage to talk a fair amount.
On the way home after playing that day, the two of us were talking while heading home. At that moment,
"Kousuke-kun, what's that?"
"...A, a dog? A stray dog?"
Come to think of it, didn't they say at school to be careful because there's a stray dog around? That the animal control people would come to catch it soon, so don't get close?
"It's coming closer, huh? Should we change paths?"
"...Y, yeah..."
Trying not to make eye contact with the dog coming toward us, we turned diagonally and veered into a side street.
It was a back alley in a residential area with no people around, and a drainage ditch under construction ran along the path.
Pee-pee
Sho-kun was whistling poorly while avoiding looking at the dog, but,
"Kousuke-kun, the dog is following us..."
"S, Sho-kun, what do we do?"
There's no room to nitpick about grammar!
"What should we do? It's pretty big, huh?"
"I, it's kind of growling, isn't it?"
Hahaha! Hahaha!
We laughed together while avoiding looking at the dog,
The dog slowly followed us, closing the distance,
There was nothing ahead, and no people around.
The drainage ditch along the path was nearly a meter wide and about as deep as our height. The water was about 20 cm deep? A little further, there was a gap in the guardrail.
"Kousuke?"
Somehow, we understood each other, and our intentions clicked!
"Sho?"
We nodded to each other and dashed!
The dog started running fiercely too!
Just a little more!
Is Sho a bit slow?
We jumped over the drainage ditch!
Landed on the other side!
Three steps behind, Sho jumped too! The dog is close!
"Kousuke! Support me!"
Somehow, I understood what he meant. Sho twisted his body while jumping! Not landing straight, but sideways!
Without a moment's delay, the dog jumped over the drainage ditch too!
Grabbing the side fence, I grabbed Sho. Sho, who was sideways, made a clumsy move that could barely be called a kick, knocking the dog coming toward us back into the ditch with his foot.
The dog fell into the drainage ditch and wandered around for a while, but eventually moved off to find a place to climb out...
We held our breath, watching the dog intently. Even after it left, we couldn't relax for a while, and only took a breather long after the dog was gone.
Haaa—!!
That was scary!
Saying we were scared felt like admitting to being cowards and uncool in our worldview, but the honest truth slipped out.
Released from the tension, we suddenly became super hyper!
That was scary! Why did that dog chase us even though we didn't do anything? We managed to communicate with just our eyes in that moment!
For some reason, it was so funny that we burst out laughing while slapping each other's shoulders.
I've never run that fast before! I seriously want to time how desperate I was!
Ah—! That was an intense moment!
Sho: "Kousuke! How did you manage to jump over this drainage ditch?"
Kousuke: "Didn't you signal me to jump, Sho? lol"
Sho: "But if we didn't jump here, we couldn't have escaped. Kousuke, you're fast on your feet. It takes courage to jump first. And I could feel your intent to support me!"
Kousuke: "My legs are faster, right? So I thought if I got there first, I could help in a pinch. But man, how did you manage to kick that dog? You've got guts!"
Sho: "Well, if we couldn't escape, we had to fight back, right? I was desperate too! I had to protect my friend!"
Sho and I high-fived while laughing together.
It was nothing special, just desperately running away from a stray dog.
Deciding to jump over the drainage ditch required quick judgment.
Jumping over a deep drainage ditch took courage.
Being chased by a stray dog was terrifying.
I felt the meaning of a game protagonist gaining various experiences and leveling up.
But you know, the funniest thing was finding out that both Sho and I were thinking we had to protect each other, and we burst out laughing about it.
Probably, we both thought of ourselves as the older brother.
From that day on, Sho and I stopped holding back with each other.
We don't say it out loud, but I think we're a lot alike.
There are plenty of differences, but somehow the color of our souls is very similar.
I started calling Atsuki just Atsuki too.
Atsuki brings different friends along every day. I have a few people I can call friends, but Sho is still special.
I hang out with Sho the most, and my little sister Nozomi often tags along.
I only have an older brother, so the concept of a little sister was a shock!
She's so cute that I end up giving her too many snacks, and Sho scolds me for it.
When we entered fourth grade, Sho got into warlords. I was into them too, so we talked a lot while playing games like Romance of the Three Kingdoms or Nobunaga's Ambition.
Warlords are cool, right? Sho wrote "warlord" as his future dream and got laughed at.
I didn't laugh. I actually thought it was cool that he could say it out loud.
I want to be a strategist. Isn't that super cool? Though I can't quite say it out loud.
We're in different club activities, but on days off, I always hang out with Sho.
By this time, my stuttering had improved a lot.
Unless I was flustered or mentally overwhelmed, I often didn't stutter.
Mom cried with joy and said it must be thanks to Sho-kun and Atsuki-kun! I think so too.
Even so, to avoid stuttering, I got into the habit of thinking a bit before speaking.
I don't mean to be expressionless, but due to habits from childhood, I often looked that way.
Since I was expressionless and quiet, somehow I got nicknamed "Turtle."
The outgoing guys in the same Atsuki group, like Koishi, teased me with "Turtle! Hey, Turtle!"
Sho completely ignored them. I thought he might get mad, but he just ignored them.
After the teasers left, having been ignored,
Kousuke: "...I'm not a Turtle."
Sho: "Of course you're not! Why would Kousuke be a Turtle! Reacting to it feels like admitting it, so I absolutely refused to, but Kousuke, you act cool, yet you're a passionate guy!"
Haha! Since Sho was getting mad, I ended up calming down instead.
And what does he mean by acting cool?
Am I called Turtle because I'm bad at showing emotions?
Well, as long as Sho and Atsuki understand me, I don't really care.
And then, when we reached fifth grade, there was another class change.
During the last class change, I arrogantly thought, "Two years of friendship, so what?" but this time, I really wanted to be with Sho and Atsuki!
This time, if we're together, I don't mind if we're not in the same class after this! That's what I prayed for.
It came true! Sho and Atsuki are in the same class as me!
※As I prayed, after this, Sho and I were never in the same class again.
By fifth grade, pretty much everyone knew each other. Even if we're in different classes, in a small neighborhood, if you're in the same year, you know faces, names, and roughly where people live.
In the new class, there was Rena Kashii, who was famous in our year.
A pretty girl with slightly light hair down to her shoulders and sharp, defined features.
She's always at the center of everyone.
Known as the most beautiful girl in our year, excelling in both studies and sports? And reputed to care about everyone.
Some of the boys even call her "Perfect Girl" as a nickname.
I wasn't interested. My type is a quiet, elegant girl with long black hair...
Well, never mind about me.
For the first time, I was in the same class as her, and Sho and I passed by Kashii-san.
Sho: "So, you see? Guan Yu was... !!!"
Did Sho just do a double-take at Kashii-san?!
Even cutting off his story about Guan Yu?!
Sho did a double-take at Kashii-san, and after watching her go, his face turned bright red.
(...I just saw the moment someone falls in love for the first time...)
And it's my best friend, no less.
Of all people, it had to be the most unattainable flower on the highest peak, with tons of rivals?
I think Sho is a great guy. But he's a man with an old-fashioned passion that doesn't appeal to everyone.
I hope the girl who understands Sho's good qualities is a wonderful one.
I can't help but wish for that.
Around the end of the second term, Atsuki, who's always at the center of the class, was super popular. So, a group of girls invited him to a Christmas party.
Some girls who wanted to get close to Atsuki asked me, through Kashii-san, to help out and support them!
(Since Sho started sitting next to Kashii-san, he's changed a bit. I want to support Sho if I can.)
That's what I was thinking.
Then,
Atsuki: "Kousuke, it seems like Sho likes Kashii-san. Come with us to the Christmas party."
Kousuke: "...Got it."
(So Atsuki noticed too. Well, it's pretty obvious!)
And so, at the Christmas party, I unexpectedly found myself bombarded with questions by the girl sitting next to me.
I'm not used to talking to girls, so I stuttered a bit. That girl, Mishima, is on the library committee. She seems plain, but she's a pretty girl with long, beautiful hair, and it made my heart race.
She's in Kashii-san's group, kind of like a side character in the flashy group.
Mishima: "Kousuke-kun, you're quiet and mature, aren't you?"
Kousuke: "...No, not really."
Mishima: "Huh? But your expressions are cool and calm... I think you're handsome..."
Kousuke: "...That's not true."
I looked to Sho for help with my eyes, but that jerk understood and ignored me!
Mishima smiled while serving me food and kept repeating that she's plain...
Flashy doesn't equal good, right? I told her I think she's calm and beautiful, and she turned bright red. Seeing Mishima turn red made me turn red too.
Meanwhile, Sho was eating three servings of beef stew next to Kashii-san? What is he doing?
But then, Kashii-san was smiling more than I'd ever seen. Looks like things are going well?
During the gift exchange, I got a snow globe from Mishima, I think it's called? A cute Christmas decoration.
Am I too simple? I can't stop thinking about Mishima.
In sixth grade, I got super busy with club activities and committees since I was a key member!
In the first term, Sho became class president, and Atsuki and I helped him out since he was struggling.
Oh, by the way, Sho's family had a new baby brother! It was my first time seeing a baby up close, and he was incredibly cute! His name is Hikaru, but Sho and his little sister Nozomi call him Hii-chan.
Nozomi was upset before he was born, feeling like her mom was being taken away, but after he was born, she adored him. He's super cute, but apparently, he was born with a heart condition, and Sho looked worried.
As for school, we had sports day and the school trip, and during the cultural festival and field trips, I exchanged contact info with Mishima. We got closer, and everything was going great when sudden news hit.
Atsuki was transferring schools at the end of the second term...
Me (by this time, Sho and I started using 'me' as our first-person pronoun) was shocked, but seeing Sho so devastated was unbearable.
He laughed a lot, then suddenly got down. His emotions swung wildly.
For Sho, Atsuki was the hero who affirmed him and changed him.
The trust Sho had in Atsuki was so pure and immense that it made me a little jealous.
On the last day, we did our usual fist bump and added just one word before parting. After everyone saw him off, the ones who stayed until the very end were me and Sho.
Sho said,
Sho: "I've always just followed behind Acchan. But the next time we meet, I want to be a man who walks beside him."
Kousuke: "...Yeah, you're right."
I love Atsuki too, and I'm really sad.
But as long as Atsuki is around, Sho has a part of him that depends on him.
Maybe this was a necessary parting? That's what I thought.
Plus, Atsuki didn't give us his contact info.
Sho laughed, saying it could be that he deliberately didn't tell us, or he genuinely forgot—both are possible. Yeah, for sure.
And just like that, we became middle schoolers.
As we entered middle school, Mishima and I started dating.
We kept it a secret from everyone because it's embarrassing.
I couldn't say it, but... I used to stutter badly as a kid, and it's a complex for me. I'm not that tall either.
Now, if I speak calmly, it doesn't come out, and that's thanks to Sho! I opened up about my struggles. Mishima was surprised since it's gone now and didn't know! She accepted me for it.
It was the first time I told anyone besides Sho and Atsuki myself, and I was incredibly nervous.
Mishima said she wants to become a stylish and beautiful girl in middle school to be a girlfriend Kousuke-kun can be proud of! But I think she's totally fine as she is.
Also, I was told I dote on Sho's little sister Nozomi too much. I said I'd be careful, but she's like a little sister to me... that little beast...
I told Sho I'd only tell him, and when I did, he was super shocked.
He was overjoyed and looked distant, saying middle school makes things different...
Sho: "Well, we grow up a bit, but middle school shouldn't be that different, right? After all, the members are the same! If anything comes up, let me know!"
Kousuke: "...Of course!"
However, I couldn't have imagined at this point that Sho's middle school life would be far more tumultuous than mine.
I watch over Sho, thinking of myself as the older brother.
I'm sure Sho is also watching over me, thinking of himself as the older brother.
Even today, Sho and I talk endlessly while playing games, chatting, and bantering, acting as each other's guardians, sharing what happened or what's on our minds.
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...Because Sho was there, I was able to end my twisted days and was saved.
Does Satsuki have someone nearby to help her when something happens?
...Is that something I should worry about?
Future over past!
Today, too, I'm hanging out with Sho, chatting or playing old games.
Hii-chan wants to join in, and it's heartwarming.
Once the relaxing weekend ends, the usual school life starts again, of course.
...Something's probably going to happen, huh.
I've sent a preemptive message on LINE to some acquaintances, but even so, thinking about the likely malicious actions on Monday is just exhausting.
So, what will happen? On Monday?